The Post Text
As a woman, I was taught that marriage is a rite of passage.
All your life, you are groomed to be someone’s wife. Don’t talk so loud or run so wild, what will your future husband think of you? Don’t think too much, your husband will one day decide for you. Don’t wear clothes like that, how will you get a respectable man to like you? Be demure, be mindful, always smile - no one wants to be with someone with a sour face. Always finish your rice so your husband will not have pockmarks on his face. Always look pretty and clean so people will think you are well off. Know how to wear jewelry - that’s just a part of life. Respect your elders so your future mother-in-law will respect you. Always know how to carry yourself - so people will know that you are part of a well-bred family. Collect and select - don’t settle for the first one that comes along. Be educated but not too much or people will think you are too opinionated.
It’s like we’re stupid little sh*ts who know nothing but to please men. Real women nod and smile and accept what everyone is saying graciously. Real women do not lose their tempers, they always strive to understand. Real women do not raise their voices, they speak in a pleasing tone. Real women always know what to say at all times. Real women are raised to know everything there is to know about “making a house a home.” Real women cook, clean and bring beautiful babies to the world.
I did everything that was expected of me and bought into the dream of being married. I was promised that I would get to wear this lavish dress, be picked by someone who loved me, and be whisked off into the sunset in a luxury car into a home within a gated community.
But that is not what happened to me, and everyone around me lamented and mourned like it was the end of the world. All because they cared immensely about me. All because they knew what was best for me.
I committed a cardinal sin and made a commitment to a man outside of their usual circle. I became part of a whirlwind romance and was literally swept off my feet in an unknown land. I went home at the horrendous hour of midnight. (My father told me that no respectable woman will be seen out at midnight). The community of real women around me was appalled. I was deemed hopeless - they all told their daughters not to be like me. I was an animal in an Aesop Fable, a lesson to be learned.
At home, I was whispered about like nobody’s business. What the hell is she thinking? She’s throwing her future away. Why would she pick a man like that? Why not our pre-vetted candidates? I called out the people who whispered about me and they all told me they said nothing - like I was a dumb little fish with selective memory. My feelings do not matter because in their mind - I am too stupid to know anything. I was child who did not know better. One day, I would understand why they were acting the way they were - when I have kids of own. If you don’t have children, you will never understand.
To this day, I still do not understand how treating someone like a headline in tabloid fodder is “thinking of what’s best for them.” I still do not understand why talking about me and not talking to me is the best solution to the problem. I still do not understand why I am shameless for choosing to be independent. I still do not understand why someone would tell me “they are praying for me” when they have not the slightest idea of what is going on in my life. I still do not understand why I must appreciate my family who is quick to judge and slow to listen.
I moved out of that stifling environment after years of not understanding anything. I worked to be independent, and lived my own life to the horror of my community of real women. Unmarried women do not move out of their family home by themselves. What is to become of them?
I experienced many mundane things I would never get to have if I was still trapped in the bubble of the society of real women. I had my own apartment and bought all the furniture in it. I did not have to eat dinner at strictly 7PM and I ate whatever I wanted - fries for dinner, cake for breakfast. No one commented on my weight and how I have to eat less to look good. My weekends were for myself. I did not have to spend my Saturdays doing mandatory family time to revere my parents who were higher than me, nor my Sundays attending church with people who knew better for me.
I was free. I was happy. I’m still with the man I chose, who loves me back in all my crazy, quirky ways. We have endured the countless drama that comes with going against the tenements of my real women society. Gaslighting, passive-aggressiveness, invalidation, and narcissism suddenly became acceptable when dealing with a social pariah. One day, I will come back to what I know. Time will heal all wounds - they said.
But, we knew better than to give in to their antics. We believed that the best revenge is happiness. We focused on each other - on growing together, on being open to new experiences, on understanding each other better. Life is short. We drank and ate everything we wanted. We drove and travelled wherever we wanted. We got married because we just couldn’t imagine life with the other.
Does marriage really set you free?
This article also explains it well: [Link]